Sunday, May 31, 2009
What was always there, is found
"I get to sift through the data too. I get to have experiences too. I get to give birth to more desires too. I get the benefit of all this contrast too. I love having an experience where something happens that makes me clarify and focus and think about what I want in a very powerful way. I love that life is giving that to me now. At this stage of life, who would know that something so big could happen that would cause me to actually begin to focus in powerful way? I can see that I was getting sort of lackadaisical in my focus, and it's nice that something has happened, that is giving me a reason to focus in a way that's got me really, really wanting something that I really, really not getting. I can really, really feel because it's really, really important to me because it's a really, really big aspect in my life. And because it such a big aspect of my life, I can tell what I'm focused downstream and when I'm focused upstream, like nothing before that's ever happened in my life. And aren't I grateful to have experience like that? Isn't it nice to have something that's so big and vivid? Am I not glad that it's not limp? Am I not glad that I'm not wondering, hmm, I wonder if that thought was upstream or downstream? Isn't it nice that it hits me in the gut? (Audience laughter) It's very clear whether it's upstream or whether it's downstream. It isn't it nice that I have guidance within me, isn't it nice that now I have given birth to something that is so much bigger than anything that I would've ever given birth to before? And now this very big thing that I've given birth to, is over there and it's calling me? And all the resources of all of the universe are over there where what I want is, calling me toward it"
San Diego, CA 03-03-07
When I saw this excerpt above from the Abe quotes I receive daily, my thoughts about what happened below were reinforced. Thank you, Jerry, Ester and Abraham!
On April 24, 2006, I had a grand mall seizure. It came in the night, without warning. The shaking of my body became the light that shined onto something in my brain called a non malignant meningioma tumor. "It was huge", the surgeon said to me after he removed it. On May 5, I left the hospital with a different attitude. Something had happened to me that was not just a scary tumor, but also a nudge within me and it WAS huge, but not in the same way that the surgeon meant it. Since then, my attitude has changed and brought forth the joy that was always there. And so, the birth of a blessing in disguise and a powerful tool for growth.
In the Place Where a Dark Temple Grew
Leap to it and bounce,
the tree is measuring the rain;
each shake of leaf
becomes a thousand blessings.
The window is open to my heart,
cushioned within this comfort
I walk out into it with my quiet
and stop one blade of grass for just a minute,
stop it from its bejeweled contemplation of day,
then take its meaning,
folded and perfect
and speak of secrets.
And for what give up the right to feel the great mountain?
The sifting of the dirt is within me
and I feel the chasm in my head,
the place where a dark temple grew
is not empty, but filled with light.
The mountain quakes within its solitude
and brings into being a kind of joy
that I didn't have before,
that I knew was there
but thought I'd lost,
oh, glory ... it is found !
© Copyright May, 2006